guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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