So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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