I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize