I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
