i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
