When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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