if i can run in heels then i can drive
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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