I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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