if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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