Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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