u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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