My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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