I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
