I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
