WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
