wanna go halves on a baby?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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