Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
