My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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