he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
