I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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