I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
