i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
