How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
