Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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