Need sex. Gaining weight.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You pole danced in your parka.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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