dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
