She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
