If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
