went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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