Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
