fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
