dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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