I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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