you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
