I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's always time for handjobs
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize