I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
