There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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