i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
