Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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