well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
