i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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