so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
