I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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