I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
