Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
