Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
