I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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