He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
