i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
