i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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