The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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