Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
