i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize