my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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