You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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