grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
