I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
