Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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