dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
