I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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