Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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