I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize